Everyone struggles.
And not everyone knows how to ask for help.
And not everyone knows how to give it.
I spend a lot of my life a goddamn emotional wreck. I hurt a lot. I ache. I literally have to tell myself not to believe my gut impulses. That I’m not worthless. That I’m not stupid. That I’m not hated. That my friends aren’t just spending time with me to be nice. That my partner loves me. That I won’t be abandoned.
I spent a lot of my life certain that everyone would be better off if I were just… gone. Not dead, just erased from history. I withdrew from my friends in real life, because I felt I didn’t belong. That I wasn’t worth enough. I got really good at acting. When the hurt shows… that’s when it’s really bad. When people asked about me, I called it ‘hermiting.’ Now I just explain that “I wasn’t okay.”
A few years ago, someone important said they missed me. And it stuck. And I tried my best to crawl out of the hole I’d been rotting in. I scraped together some self-worth. Just enough to get by.
I started to reach out. Started changing up my life. Moved, tried new things… I quietly had some alcohol problems. Truth be told, I still love being drunk. I went to a therapist. I found myself alone in a lot of ways. I felt unloved… so I taught myself how to love myself, even just a little.
I started to ask for help. Some did exactly as I asked and needed of them. But the problem is… everyone has struggles. Not everyone can give help. Some people couldn’t give enough. Some people tried to help and made it worse. Some smelled the blood in the water and preyed upon me. I’ve been hurt a lot. Truth be told, I’ve lost a lot of my faith in people. I trust people less. But thankfully I do know some good ones.
So… I guess I need to get better at taking care of myself… not just in the moment, but for future Nash too. A fistful self-worth and self-love will only get you so far. Self-investment is important too. I am worthy of being here. I am worthy of being loved. And I am worthy of betterment. Doing things to make me a better Nash is important. I need to stop investing in people who don’t consistently invest in me. I need to stop appeasing others at the expense of myself. I need to spend time in places where I can comfortably be myself, and do Nash things.
Like draw dragons. I’ve loved them, ever since I was a kid. Some people associate dragons with greed. They see them as hoarders of material wealth. Perhaps the dragon’s hoard should be seen as a metaphor for the things we do to better ourselves. To help us withstand the darkness.
https://nashoba-hostina.deviantart.com/art/Self-Investment-698683295